I absolutely regret reading logs between us. But wherever that regret came from, it's because I have so much to gain and still so much to lose. I'm not sure about you anymore.
I don't blog anymore. I don't write out my feelings as much as I did anymore. I want to tell myself it is because I don't like people stalking me and looking straight into my mind. But the truth is that I'm just a bit lazy.
Yes I do like attention. Yes I do want people to understand what I feel. Yes I do care about what people think of me. I had this blog for a very sentimental reason - I want to be able to connect with my friends who doesn't have me on my LJ. I want to secretly lurk behind the shadows and know they're alright, without appealing so.
My arrogance and insecurity has pushed people out of my comfort zone. I don't really like that. I don't like the feeling of feeling superior. I don't like being mean. I don't like emotional violence.
I like chaos, I like a bit of rebel, I like a bit of colour. I like to follow my own rules, in my own world, tradition, and space. I always act out of self-interest, instead of for everyone else. I would go far beyond sanity just to see things in a differently order.
I would intentionally rebel just because I don't like the idea of leadership or for the sake of rebel for disrupting. I would pretend I do not care or tell lies to justify all my actions.
This is me, and I can't change it, and don't you change it.
But I miss my friends, and I miss you.
I'm sorry that you never stood by my side, because you would be the luckiest person if you had me.
I will never understand why I didn't do a lot of things when I could. Probably 2 years later from now, 10 years later from no.
But I understand one thing. I understand I will not change the way people make me. I will only change because I understand I won't.
Acceptance is by far your best friend and if you open your heart, there is where your treasure will lie.
(Please don't try to think what I wrote, it has no meaning. :P)
By the way.......... ECLIPSE SUCKS.
