I find it amusing that my boyfriend is afraid of Für Elise because of this silly Malay film that puts this beautiful love song as a creepy story.
Silly film makers.
Sorry for the fail of updates. I felt like doing nothing nowadays because of certain commitments.
A few day ago was my mother's death day and I would like to take a chance to write her a letter:
I hope we talk one day... I really hope. I never stopped imagine seeing you again. I still remember your pale face on the bed not moving. But I hope that way is in somewhere after I died, after I can put down my pride and be an old lady.
I miss you so much.
I'm so jealous, you get to leave everything behind. All these trouble, all these struggle.
I tried to imagine life with you, it must've been so different. But I wouldn't be someone I like. The me I like now.
I can't not let that happen.
I'm sorry... All these time, I'm still the same child you have. That baby in your hand is the girl sitting here, talking to you like that.
But if this is all I wanted to say to you, would you be mad at me? I have much more to say, but I can't tell you anymore.
I'm not that 5-year-old and tells you everything already.
But you must know I love you. And I know you love me, a lot.
Your daughter,
Grace
PS: You remember that tape that I took randomly after school... I can't find it, you only said four words (GO TO SHOWER!!!!!!!!), but I can't find it... I can't believe I don't remember your voice anymore.
But then I never did. That's why I always called you randomly.
A few day ago was my mother's death day and I would like to take a chance to write her a letter:
Hi mami,
Hi. How are you (wherever you are)? The same time last year I was dugged deep in the midst of work and neglect, I shouldn't have an excuse not to write to you anymore, so I'm sorry. I should've write it in Chinese but then, I realise, I want to tell you my thoughts, so whatever it is in is not important, it is what I think. Yeah, and I'm lazy too.
I haven't forget you you see, I'm just... Caught up. Baba went to see you that day, but I didn't, because I totally forgot it... I even forget your birthday. I wanted to though. I rather go see you than doing something else.
I just couldn't. And you know why.
But life's gotta move on you know. I like my life now. I know, if you're here you're gonna hate whatever I'm doing because you love me, but I'll never cease to be rebellious and do whatever I want to do.
But that way I'll never grow. I'll never think for myself and I'll keep trying to escape from whatever you're asking me to do. I don't want this I don't want that, and I know you want the best of me, I may know what is best for me, I just don't want to do it. This piece of me, lies deep within... It's the root of me, and you know I'll never change. Change to something you've expected someone to be.
I'll never be you. And I'm sorry. I want to be me.
I saw a movie yesterday, it's called The Time Traveler's wife. It was a book (yeah, and I bought it WITH MY OWN MONEY OK) I read a few weeks back, because my friends from the internet (No, I choose my friends carefully and I know who I'm friends with, it's not as bad as you think. If I could teach you computer and internet again, I would) told me it was really good, so I went buying it anyways.
It's about this person with a genetic disorder, and it caused him to time travel involuntarily, and how he has to deal with it especially with his wife. It's a love story about a disorder? A science fiction with a lot of romantic elements? I don't know, but I love it.
I kept thinking if you like baba like the woman (her name is Clair) in the book did. She loved her since she's a kid. I wonder if you liked baba like any girl would. Effortlessly, selflessly, bravely.
And I wondered baba liked you that way too. But I'm too embarrassed to ask him anything now anyways... We don't talk much, but I love baba, and he loves me, and I think that's both enough for us.
It's not like I don't like to talk to him anyways, it's just, I find it hard to talk casually without talking about you.
The Time Traveler (his name is Henry) one day jumped to the future and found his daughter, and she accidentally told him that he's gonna die. And my whole emotion just ran down within. They were having a hard time having a baby already (me), and now he's just gonna die. Like, die.
I couldn't imagine what it would feel like for Claire and her daughter at the time, but I just kept thinking, how Henry feels.
How you felt.
How do you feel when you know you're leaving? No one was there, and you're so alone, so weak, so dark... You can't see them, and we all felt alone without you now. I really like you mama. Even you're so fierce all the time >_>
Are you alone? Are you scared?
I kept thinking about how we felt, I forgot to think how you felt.
I don't want to ask how was it like, it must be horrible.
I remember you tried to make yourself happier by asking me to be by your side. But I'm way too angry at you and everything for nothing, and I never appreciate what I had. I just knew things will come when I want.
It doesn't happen now. I want you and you can't come back. I'm still silly, I know.
Hi. How are you (wherever you are)? The same time last year I was dugged deep in the midst of work and neglect, I shouldn't have an excuse not to write to you anymore, so I'm sorry. I should've write it in Chinese but then, I realise, I want to tell you my thoughts, so whatever it is in is not important, it is what I think. Yeah, and I'm lazy too.
I haven't forget you you see, I'm just... Caught up. Baba went to see you that day, but I didn't, because I totally forgot it... I even forget your birthday. I wanted to though. I rather go see you than doing something else.
I just couldn't. And you know why.
But life's gotta move on you know. I like my life now. I know, if you're here you're gonna hate whatever I'm doing because you love me, but I'll never cease to be rebellious and do whatever I want to do.
But that way I'll never grow. I'll never think for myself and I'll keep trying to escape from whatever you're asking me to do. I don't want this I don't want that, and I know you want the best of me, I may know what is best for me, I just don't want to do it. This piece of me, lies deep within... It's the root of me, and you know I'll never change. Change to something you've expected someone to be.
I'll never be you. And I'm sorry. I want to be me.
I saw a movie yesterday, it's called The Time Traveler's wife. It was a book (yeah, and I bought it WITH MY OWN MONEY OK) I read a few weeks back, because my friends from the internet (No, I choose my friends carefully and I know who I'm friends with, it's not as bad as you think. If I could teach you computer and internet again, I would) told me it was really good, so I went buying it anyways.
It's about this person with a genetic disorder, and it caused him to time travel involuntarily, and how he has to deal with it especially with his wife. It's a love story about a disorder? A science fiction with a lot of romantic elements? I don't know, but I love it.
I kept thinking if you like baba like the woman (her name is Clair) in the book did. She loved her since she's a kid. I wonder if you liked baba like any girl would. Effortlessly, selflessly, bravely.
And I wondered baba liked you that way too. But I'm too embarrassed to ask him anything now anyways... We don't talk much, but I love baba, and he loves me, and I think that's both enough for us.
It's not like I don't like to talk to him anyways, it's just, I find it hard to talk casually without talking about you.
The Time Traveler (his name is Henry) one day jumped to the future and found his daughter, and she accidentally told him that he's gonna die. And my whole emotion just ran down within. They were having a hard time having a baby already (me), and now he's just gonna die. Like, die.
I couldn't imagine what it would feel like for Claire and her daughter at the time, but I just kept thinking, how Henry feels.
How you felt.
How do you feel when you know you're leaving? No one was there, and you're so alone, so weak, so dark... You can't see them, and we all felt alone without you now. I really like you mama. Even you're so fierce all the time >_>
Are you alone? Are you scared?
I kept thinking about how we felt, I forgot to think how you felt.
I don't want to ask how was it like, it must be horrible.
I remember you tried to make yourself happier by asking me to be by your side. But I'm way too angry at you and everything for nothing, and I never appreciate what I had. I just knew things will come when I want.
It doesn't happen now. I want you and you can't come back. I'm still silly, I know.
I hope we talk one day... I really hope. I never stopped imagine seeing you again. I still remember your pale face on the bed not moving. But I hope that way is in somewhere after I died, after I can put down my pride and be an old lady.
I miss you so much.
I'm so jealous, you get to leave everything behind. All these trouble, all these struggle.
I tried to imagine life with you, it must've been so different. But I wouldn't be someone I like. The me I like now.
I can't not let that happen.
I'm sorry... All these time, I'm still the same child you have. That baby in your hand is the girl sitting here, talking to you like that.
But if this is all I wanted to say to you, would you be mad at me? I have much more to say, but I can't tell you anymore.
I'm not that 5-year-old and tells you everything already.
But you must know I love you. And I know you love me, a lot.
Your daughter,
Grace
PS: You remember that tape that I took randomly after school... I can't find it, you only said four words (GO TO SHOWER!!!!!!!!), but I can't find it... I can't believe I don't remember your voice anymore.
But then I never did. That's why I always called you randomly.
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