A Letter

I find it amusing that my boyfriend is afraid of Für Elise because of this silly Malay film that puts this beautiful love song as a creepy story.
Silly film makers.

Sorry for the fail of updates. I felt like doing nothing nowadays because of certain commitments.

A few day ago was my mother's death day and I would like to take a chance to write her a letter:

Hi mami,

Hi. How are you (wherever you are)? The same time last year I was dugged deep in the midst of work and neglect, I shouldn't have an excuse not to write to you anymore, so I'm sorry. I should've write it in Chinese but then, I realise, I want to tell you my thoughts, so whatever it is in is not important, it is what I think. Yeah, and I'm lazy too.

I haven't forget you you see, I'm just... Caught up. Baba went to see you that day, but I didn't, because I totally forgot it... I even forget your birthday. I wanted to though. I rather go see you than doing something else.

I just couldn't. And you know why.

But life's gotta move on you know. I like my life now. I know, if you're here you're gonna hate whatever I'm doing because you love me, but I'll never cease to be rebellious and do whatever I want to do.

But that way I'll never grow. I'll never think for myself and I'll keep trying to escape from whatever you're asking me to do. I don't want this I don't want that, and I know you want the best of me, I may know what is best for me, I just don't want to do it. This piece of me, lies deep within... It's the root of me, and you know I'll never change. Change to something you've expected someone to be.

I'll never be you. And I'm sorry. I want to be me.

I saw a movie yesterday, it's called The Time Traveler's wife. It was a book (yeah, and I bought it WITH MY OWN MONEY OK) I read a few weeks back, because my friends from the internet (No, I choose my friends carefully and I know who I'm friends with, it's not as bad as you think. If I could teach you computer and internet again, I would) told me it was really good, so I went buying it anyways.

It's about this person with a genetic disorder, and it caused him to time travel involuntarily, and how he has to deal with it especially with his wife. It's a love story about a disorder? A science fiction with a lot of romantic elements? I don't know, but I love it.

I kept thinking if you like baba like the woman (her name is Clair) in the book did. She loved her since she's a kid. I wonder if you liked baba like any girl would. Effortlessly, selflessly, bravely.

And I wondered baba liked you that way too. But I'm too embarrassed to ask him anything now anyways... We don't talk much, but I love baba, and he loves me, and I think that's both enough for us.

It's not like I don't like to talk to him anyways, it's just, I find it hard to talk casually without talking about you.

The Time Traveler (his name is Henry) one day jumped to the future and found his daughter, and she accidentally told him that he's gonna die. And my whole emotion just ran down within. They were having a hard time having a baby already (me), and now he's just gonna die. Like, die.

I couldn't imagine what it would feel like for Claire and her daughter at the time, but I just kept thinking, how Henry feels.

How you felt.

How do you feel when you know you're leaving? No one was there, and you're so alone, so weak, so dark... You can't see them, and we all felt alone without you now. I really like you mama. Even you're so fierce all the time >_>

Are you alone? Are you scared?

I kept thinking about how we felt, I forgot to think how you felt.

I don't want to ask how was it like, it must be horrible.

I remember you tried to make yourself happier by asking me to be by your side. But I'm way too angry at you and everything for nothing, and I never appreciate what I had. I just knew things will come when I want.

It doesn't happen now. I want you and you can't come back. I'm still silly, I know.

I hope we talk one day... I really hope. I never stopped imagine seeing you again. I still remember your pale face on the bed not moving. But I hope that way is in somewhere after I died, after I can put down my pride and be an old lady.

I miss you so much.

I'm so jealous, you get to leave everything behind. All these trouble, all these struggle.

I tried to imagine life with you, it must've been so different. But I wouldn't be someone I like. The me I like now.

I can't not let that happen.

I'm sorry... All these time, I'm still the same child you have. That baby in your hand is the girl sitting here, talking to you like that.

But if this is all I wanted to say to you, would you be mad at me? I have much more to say, but I can't tell you anymore.

I'm not that 5-year-old and tells you everything already.

But you must know I love you. And I know you love me, a lot.


Your daughter,
Grace

PS: You remember that tape that I took randomly after school... I can't find it, you only said four words (GO TO SHOWER!!!!!!!!), but I can't find it... I can't believe I don't remember your voice anymore.
But then I never did. That's why I always called you randomly.

The facebook trick: Press Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Enter key then press up & down & Magic circles will appear! The only way to stop it is to log off or reload the page ...

(OH MY FKING GOD IT REALLY WORKS)

Nobody Till You

I think I'm addicted to my iPod. I can't be seen in anywhere without it.
If there's WiFi - I'm holding it.
If there's a song I really want to hear - I'm holding it.
If I'm walking on the streets - I'm holding it.
Even if I'm shitting - I'm holding it.

Since I really love Lady GaGa's Bad Romance...

Why can't love feels like love anymore, now that it is old and calmed? Is this normal?
Does it mean we stopped caring about each other?
I can't be the best person to seek help from, but honey, I'm the only person I know who have been having long-lasting relationships that lasts more than a year.
Oh help.

Sometimes I'm jealous of Yvette's conviction for her love, because she needs to be constantly reminded that she is loved and is in fact having a boyfriend. She doesn't accept the fact that she is not glued to her other half.

I am, however, different.

After a very... Abrupt break off, I think I've adjusted my mindset to stop caring so much about everything and just let it flow. My romantic relationship is very easy-going and spontaneous, there's nothing planned, nothing too difficult, and we often know what both of us want before we even asked about it.

I don't think I need be called or texted or reminded everyday that I need something or someone there for me... I don't know if that is normal for people in relationships?

Do I really need to act like honey and bees? Am I doing it right?

Was I too tight? Am I too loose now?

Someday, I will know.



...And that is why I hate being stuck to THE one guy. I should be like Carrie Bradshaw. She always end up with Mr. Big.


Is he my Mr. Big, Edward Cullen, Ren, Romeo, my king?
Penelope told me the King on the chessboard can't survive without her Queen.
Actually I wanted to tell Penelope the Queen will die with her King.
He is the King of my world, and I think he definitely knows that.

And if I bleed, I'll bleed, knowing you will care.

<@GraySea> I want your love, I don't wanna be friends.
<@Magus> orly
<@GraySea> if only she made this song earlier i wouldn't have felt so crappy about myself
<@GraySea> yarly
<@Zonkos> grace wants wills love.
<@GraySea> ..er
<@GraySea> wtf?
<@Tim> huh why grace
<@GraySea> oh
<@GraySea> well
<@GraySea> i had a crush on another guy
<@GraySea> :(
<@GraySea> but i'm allgood now
<@Tim> Oh.
<@Tim> Bad Romance is super fab.
<@Magus> <-other guy
<@Zonkos> dream on
<@Tim> William. I bet.

I love Hermiones.

The Small Print

I was drafted in Hermione's Curls, captained by a great friend Amy. She's young and kind, with a spirited heart. My teammates are intelligent Will, witty Chrissy, fierce Robyn, weird Jason, lovely Timmy, timid Lisa, honey Cammy and myself.
Did they know I used to be obsessed about Emma Watson because I love Hermione?

I dedicate My Chemical Romance's Thank You for the Venom for to you today.

This was my chicky love for my dearest.


Sister, I'm not much a poet, but a criminal
And you never had a chance
Love it, or leave it, you can't understand
A pretty face, but you do so carry on,
and on,
and on

I wouldn't front the scene if you paid me
I'm just the way that the doctor made me, on,
and on,
and on,
and on
Love is the red the rose on your coffin door
What's life like, bleeding on the floor,
the floor,
the floor

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
Give me a reason to believe


So give me all your poison
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts
And make me ill
You're running after something
That you'll never kill
If this is what you want
Then fire at will

Preach all you want but who's gonna save me?
I keep a gun on the book you gave me, hallelujah, lock and load
Black is the kiss, the touch of the serpent son
It ain't the mark or the scar that makes you one,
and one,
and one,
and one

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
Give me a reason to believe


So give me all your poison
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts
And make me ill
You're running after something
That you'll never kill
If this is what you want
Then fire at will

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
You wanna follow something
Give me a better cause to lead
Just give me what I need
Give me a reason to believe


So give me all your poison
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts
And make me ill
You're running after something
That you'll never kill
If this is what you want
Then fire at will


So give me all your poison (Fire at will)
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts (Fire at will)
And make me ill
You're running after something (Fire at will)
That you'll never kill
If this is what you want (Fire at will)
Then fire at will

Have you heard of Lady Gaga's new songs?

Of Artistic Eyes

Oql rankings for Winter 09/10 are out. I'm rated 6th.
I just wish for a better season.
Counting down less than 6 hours to drafting is kinda nerve wracking. Always was.

I've begun to be really amazed by dA, despite my hate for them for very blurred underline of CC and Fair Use Policy, and how you differentiate from them.

Anyhow.

Previously I've stated I want a camera, I've even asked in my Facebook.







But a chat with Preethi reminds me how sexy iMacs are.


Sex. Big sex. I can have technology orgasm if there's one in front of me right now.

But now now. Do I really need it? I'll think about it.

So about another Sexy Babe of Technology: Canon Powershot S/SX series or EOS.
But I haven't really did the research. But it's the quality I really adore.

(Kinda like an unforgettable blog entry by Kenny Sia)

The thing is - which camera is best for me? I want quality... And I want to cam whore.

Oh well. A girl's a girl.
I'll update you with my research.


Updates:

Canon Digital IXUS doesn't look bad.

You remember those little robots in Transformers 1 that turned everything electrical to some kind of bad robot? I feel like them sometimes. Especially my iPod doesn't look like it's new after 2 weeks.

It's one of those days.

One of those days I spend my lovely evening skipping my beauty sleep and catching up with Yvette.

I wonder why she doesn't call herself Michiru anymore.
We had lunch together as usual and ate at the mamak stall near by.

Times went by.
Skies are going grey, and it's gonna rain.
I caught some pictures of the beautiful sky.

I sometimes wished I have an amazing camera.

The focus was a cat, but you can't see you can you?

It would look so awesome and professional, not to mention getting it up in my art resume.

~-*-*-*-*-~

Oh dear, I miss him so much.
I miss him so much I can melt in his arm when he hugged me.
I can write thousands and thousands of words describing my love for him.
That never ending affection, lust and longing.

I just wish I don't care that much so I can be a bit light about it.
But my heart is heavy.

~-*-*-*-*-~

Oh, my god.
Another OQL season. Winter 08/09. Drafting will be on 10am tomorrow. I can't believe today is Sunday already.
I'm gonna be a 2nd/3rd pick (almost without a doubt, unless someone else was ranked higher than me). All the pressure, all the fights, all the drama.
I'm just gonna... Drift past them now.
I look forward for the endless discussions on who's on what team and lineup arrangements.
I just hope I end up with someone I can really rely on, and not being relied on.
I miss those times where you just play oql for fun and has no worries whether you're gonna be good or bad.
I miss those times where no one would blame you for anything you've done.
But I wouldn't be happy that way.
I would want to be good. I would want to be awesome effortlessly.
And Spiderman's Uncle Ban says "WITH GREAT POWER, COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!", lol.
Oh oql. Oh Quite Lame.